Tuesday, February 3, 2009

LIVEBLOG: State of the State

Our bestest Canadian galpal, Governor J. Granholm is giving a speech. The weather sucks, we're bored, we're liveblogging. Read! Or don't.

7:05PM You're late, dear. Stop congratulating everyone and calling everyone awesome and give us the bad news.

7:08PM She's still congratulating people. Oh wait - it's military people. Go on.

7:08PM Brutal year! Like few others in our history! Ahhhh! Things are going to get worse before they get better. BUT - wait for it - they will get better, because Michigan rox. Because we have a battleplan. (We do?)

7:10PM The battleplan - jobs, training/education and protecting our people. Are we demanding these jobs at gunpoint? That should be fun.

7:11PM Protectionism! Also, we have a guy in the White House that "shares our agenda."

7:12PM Recovery plan from the White House will "accelerate our own" plan. Our own being underway, apparently.

7:13PM Other states suck, because they're going to use the recovery plan money to survive. Michigan, on the other hand, is already on the rebound. (We are?) So, we're going to use the monies to become more awesome than we are right now.

7:14PM Reform! Cherry has been delegated to destroy state government.

7:15PM Why are they clapping? Their salaries just went down by 10 percent!

7:15PM You know what we need here? Ribs. I wonder if Kwame cleaned out Uptown.

7:16PM Michigan has done more to curtail government spending since 2001 than any state in the country. But we're not going to stop now, eh? We can't afford government. It has to go.

7:16PM Die, state fairs, die! Also libraries! Wait, maybe she didn't say libraries.

7:17PM Because Detroit keeps emptying out, we no longer need all our prisons, so we're closing lots of those. Or something.

7:17PM What transit systems need repairing? We have transit systems? Oh that's right, the People Mover.

7:18PM THIS JUST IN FROM 1980 OR WHENEVER: Michigan needs to diversify its economy. Also, anyone who makes fun of the auto industry is SO DEAD, because JG is going to personally see to it that someone runs over you with a pickup or SUV assembled in Michigan.

7:19PM Green. She said green. First time, yes? Nobody claps. Governor reminds people to clap for word "green."

7:20PM Cynics say we can't find a new angle, but fuck them, we're the new Hollywood or something!

7:21PM MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS - the studio at the MGM site in Detroit, Motown Motion Pictures in Pontiac and some gaming company something or other somewhere else. Lots of jobs! Young people! Creative people! Stay in Michigan! Fantastic!

7:22PM Renewable energy also. Hemlock Semiconductor in Saginaw. Former Electrolux workers manufacturing solar panels somewhere else. Growth. Leaps and bounds. Pick up the pace, people, she's running now!

7:23PM Can I just say I'd love a Michigan that was mostly forest and lakes except for people making solar panels and movies and video games. That's be a sweet, very quiet state. With like ten people in it.

7:24PM Detroit! She said Detroit! She also said like 400 other things about people who have jobs. Where are these jobs? I want to go there.

7:25PM The GM Volt batteries will be made here in Michigan. Didn't we already know that? Are they making the GM Volt? A Mass. company is hiring loads of people in Michigan to make electric something.

7:26PM People are choosing Michigan not because it's pretty. We're also smart. (We are?)

7:27PM Seriously, honey - is it cool to talk about all these jobs at a time when nobody has one? WHO HAS THESE JOBS?

7:28PM Also: Jobs. We're about to explode, you know. Obama. Renewable energy. Demand. Michigan. Critical. I need a beverage.

7:30PM Install solar panels on your home and sell the energy! It's ghetto like scrapping, but classier!

7:31PM Michigan sounds like a really fun, progressive and exciting state! Did Detroit get relocated without us knowing?

7:32PM Jobs.

7:32PM Because, you know, at this point they could just float the city down the river and nobody would know.

7:33PM Oh wait, she said Detroit again. We appear to still be in Michigan.

7:33PM Michigan Energy Corps is part of the three-pronged jobs effort thing. Look it up. I'm going to get a drink.

7:36PM This whole event was missing something, and I figured out what: A big ass bottle of J.K. Scrumpy's Hard Cider. Local! Michigan! Where's the part of her speech about expanding the beer industry? Also, go to michigan.gov/jobs if you don't have a job.

7:38PM Spend your money in Michigan. Even your unemployment money. I just spent money on J.K. Scrumpy's. That counts.

7:39PM She said Faygo!

7:40PM Wait, we have some of the toughest high school graduation requirements in the country? No wonder 3 in 4 students in Detroit don't graduate, like the Gates Foundation said.

7:41PM Promise zones! Free college if you're poor. I guess Detroit is one big ass promise zone. Don't they already have this in K-zoo? No promise zone for them.

7:43PM Ha ha ha Broken Promise Zone=Detroit

7:44PM What is she talking about? 52,000 people have remade themselves and in the process are remaking Michigan. 9.5 million or so to go!

7:45PM We liked it better when she was yelling. Now she's whispering about protection. She needs to yell that shit. Too many people getting STD's these days.

7:46PM Urgent measures. Still whispering. Measures include tuition freeze for the next academic year. No hikes during a crisis. Guess Wayne State will have to dip into the extra millions they weren't expecting to net during their capital campaign!

7:47PM There's a foreclosure crisis on - neighborhoods are being threatened! Let's do something! (Little late, don't you think?)

7:48PM No more freezing old people to death for not paying their utility bills!

7:49PM No rate increases for 12 months, insurance-wise. Now she's just going for the easy stuff. Michigan drivers need to have choice! Michigan is pro-choice? Granholm=abortion governor.

7:50PM "Finally...." This went fast.

7:51PM Let's not strip people of their health coverage. Because it's the civilized thing to do, y'know?

7:51PM We have to protect "the least of these." We have to commit to protect those least able to defend themselves. The vulnerable among us. (God, Jenny, you're such a GIRL sometimes.)

7:52PM She's going to see the President to tell stories about Michigan.

7:53PM Affordable, accessible health care for all Americans? Whoa there, Hillary!!

7:53PM In summary: Protect from harm, equip with tools, create jobs. That is all.

7:54PM Some sad people from Bay City are being knighted by the Governess for getting an education and getting new jobs. Gold star!!!!!

7:56PM Next to them are some people from Fraser. These people are beautiful. JG said they were beautiful. They were going to leave the state for work, but hey, presto, they went into the No Worker Left Behind promise plan zone thing, went to school and got JOBS in Michigan, OMFG. Michigan is majick.

7:58PM This guy from Fraser has a dream about Michigan being awesome. Get in line, honey.

7:58PM Courage, Michigan! Abandon the old ways that no longer serve us!

7:59PM Obama campaign did not steal all the hope, because JG says Michigan has hope. God bless, good night, peace out.

For another take on the excitement, see here.

PPS: Brooks Patterson also gave a state of Oakland County speech. He's mad that Congress doesn't remember that Michigan was such a Helpful Harry during World War II. God, sir, you are so old.

PPPS: See you for the State of the City next Tuesday.